動物園新來了一隻獅子。

在餵食的時候，其他的獅子都吃牛排，這隻新獅子只分配到一根香蕉，

起初這隻新來的獅子以為自己資淺，不以為意。

但隔了幾天，牠實在受不了，就開口問了其中一隻獅子：

「為什麼你們每天都在吃牛排，而我只能吃香蕉？」

資深的獅子回答說：

「因為我們這個動物園，獅子的人事凍結，你佔的是猴子的缺。」 ..... 這是什麼狀

況? *_*

這隻新來的獅子再問了其中一隻獅子：

「為什麼隔壁那隻土狗子也在吃牛排，而我還是只能吃香蕉？不能換個缺嗎？」

「因為你佔的是猴子的缺。他佔的是老虎的缺，最重要的是 - 那隻狗是園長介紹來

的。」

[	Current Mood	|	cheerful	]
[	Current Music	|	女人何苦為難女人	]

小女孩：我可以點歌嗎？

播音員：可以呀！妳想點給誰聽？

小女孩：我想點給我媽媽聽

播音員：好乖！妳幾歲？

小女孩：我十歲

播音員：十歲？！才國小三年及是吧？妳該不會是點童謠吧？

小女孩：我點給媽媽聽的，不是童謠啦！

播音員：那為什麼會想點給媽媽聽？

小女孩：我媽媽很辛苦，星期一到星期五都要加班到很晚才回家，

回到家還要整理家務，整理完後還要檢查我的作業，幫我復習功課，

又預習功課，都要到半夜才能睡覺，很累！

播音員：哇！光聽就很累。

小女孩：而且星期六、日好不容易休假，媽媽都還到書局找各種

練習題回來給我做，幾乎是從來不休息的，這樣犧牲休假不是很可惜嗎？

播音員：這倒是真的。妳想點誰的歌？

小女孩：是辛曉琪的歌

播音員：不錯喔，曲風成熟有韻味，妳媽咪一定會很喜歡而且感動，

說不定會掉眼淚呢！快告訴我是那一首？我一定也會感同深受掉眼淚。

小女孩：是『女人何苦為難女人』

播音員：％＃＄！＊＠．．

樹多必有枯枝，人多必有白癡。

君子報仇，三年不晚。小人報仇，一天到晚。

醫生叫我行光合作用別熬夜 。

帥有個屁用！到頭來還不是被卒吃掉！

騎白馬的不一定是王子，可能是唐僧；帶翅膀的不一定 是天使，也可能是「鳥人」。

就算是Believe中間還是有個lie 。

就算是 Friend 最後還是會有個 end

就算是 Fuck 起初也要有 Fu。

就算是 Lover 最後還是會 over。

就算是 forget 也要先get才行。

就算是個 puma 最後還是會變ma。

就算有個 wife 心裡也要假設if。

壓力始終來自於新台幣！

不是隨便一個地球人就可以學會火星話的 。

樹不要皮，必死無疑。人不要臉，天下無敵。

『在塞納河畔哭泣』『在濁水溪旁哭夭』這兩者揪~~~~竟有什麼不同呢？

人生，不過比當歸長一點。

懷才就像懷孕，時間久了才能讓人看出來。

上帝給了我們七情六慾，我們卻把它們變成了色情和暴力。

承諾，就像「幹你娘」一樣，經常說，但是很難做到 。

最浪漫的三個字不是「我愛你」，而是「在一起」。

男友在愚人節說了十次我愛你。

客戶是神，因為客戶不是人。

前程四緊就是：手頭緊、眉頭緊、衣服緊、時間緊。

青春就像衛生紙。看著挺多的，用著用著就不夠了。

女人的愛是用說的，男人的愛是用做的。

世上沒有任何的成功，能夠彌補家庭的失敗。

幸福 離我們很近，但，我們都忘了靠近。

天底下沒有所謂複雜的事情，是人的思維和感情把它複雜化了。

人們在男/女朋友身上種草莓的行為…就像是小狗在電線杆尿尿佔地盤！

時間就像乳溝，擠一擠就有。

能者多勞，疲勞的勞！

有教無類→　 有交錢,就不分類!!!

問君能有幾副肝，恰似一串鞭炮爆不完。

硬碟的容量決定男人的力量。

男人過了五十歲只剩下一張嘴，過了六十歲就只有兩個地方會變硬……後頸部的筋脈和不會喊痛的肝。

老王說：「通常蒙上臉的人，都特別厲害。」你是說扁輻俠?蜘蛛人?還是Waterman...??

福利不是問題，問題是沒福利。錢不是問題，問題是沒錢。

今日事今日畢，過了今日就不必。

皮夾裡的發票永遠比鈔票多。

既然上了賊船，就要做個成功的海盜。

我不是隨便的人，但我隨便起來不是人。

On August 7 , 2009 
  
At 12hr 34 minutes and 56 seconds on the 7th of August this year, the time and date will be 
  
12:34:56 07/08/09

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 
  
This will never happen in your life again??!!!!

日本的諷刺明星兼導演北原武不久前又獲得一個電影的國際獎。

幾年前他的母親去世，他回故鄉去奔喪，他一直不喜歡母親，因為她一直不斷向這一個

兒子要錢，只要他一個月沒有寄錢回家，

母親就打電話給他破口大罵，真是所謂的死要錢，而且北原武越出名，她索取的錢越

多。

回到家之後，他還是忍不住大哭一場，想到他一直在外，沒有好好供養媽媽，雖然是死

要錢的媽媽，他還是覺得虧待母親。

等辦完喪事，北原武正要離開家的時候，他的大哥把一個小包袱給了他說：這是媽媽叫

我一定要交給你的。

北原武小心翼翼地打開小包袱看到一本存摺與一封信，存款是用他的名義開戶，存款金

額高達數千萬日幣，信中母親寫道：

武兒，在這幾個兒女當中，我最擔憂的就是你，你從小就不喜歡唸書，又亂花錢，對朋

友太慷慨，當你說要去東京打拼時，我就很擔心你會變成一個落魄的窮光蛋， 因此我

每月從不間斷地要你寄錢回家，一方面可以刺激你去賺更多的錢，另一方面也為了替你

儲蓄；你給我的錢， 我一毛都沒有花，你大哥一家把我養得好好的，你的錢就是你的

錢，現在就拿去好好利用吧！

看完了信，北原武哭倒在地上，久久站不起來．．．

王永慶曾經說過一句話：

你賺的一塊錢不是你的一塊錢，你存的一塊錢才是你的一塊錢。

現在的經濟景氣越來越差，全世界都進入了二低一高的時代

低成長、低利率、高通膨；

不要小看你隨手花掉的小錢：

 一杯咖啡、一包香煙、一件衣服．．．，

省下它，就有可能改變你的一生， 如果你身邊也有存不了錢的朋友，告訴他北原武的

故事，你就有可能成為他這輩子的貴人！

養不起的未來 --不是收入太少，而是開銷太大！

Six Classic Affairs

 The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
 
 
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathere! d! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
 
 
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to ! show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
 

 
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobo! dy offered me a damned thing."
 

 
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
 

 
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

===========================================================================
 
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbour, a Singh, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house.
A little while later, he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Singh came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, 'Is something wrong?'
To which the ferocious Singh replied, ' There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mails in the mailbox!'
==============================

A Singh was enjoying the sun at a nice beach in a neighbouring country. A lady came and asked him, 'Are you relaxing?' Singh answered, 'No, I am Banta Singh.'
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, 'No, No, Me Banta Singh!'
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking, he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?' The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'
==============================

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that the new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered....
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'
The Singh replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,
etc...'
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

==============================
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
'Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,' he says, ' it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief.'
===========================================================================

Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying.
So the other asked him, 'Why are you crying?' He replied, 'I came here for a blood test'
The second Singh asked, 'So? Are you afraid?' He replied, 'During the blood test, they will cut my finger.'
Hearing this, the second Singh started crying like hell. The first one was astonished and asked him, 'Why are you crying?'
To which he replied, 'I have come for my urine test.'
 ==========================================================================
 
Q: Wat is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble.  
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.    
 
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward....  forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy's hand.
Q:   Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked 'Why'?
A:   The animals told him...........'Your tail is in the front'.
 
7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful
Self-Organized
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S 

好友英英在人事單位服務，日前調到樓下的總務單位。

這天，他的朋友打電話找他------

「英英在嗎？」朋友問。
「他已經不在人事了喔！」英英的同事回答。
「啊！怎麼會，他什麼時候過去的？」朋友驚訝地說。
「上個禮拜。」英英的同事答。
「我都不知道，沒有送他一程。」朋友懊悔地說。
「沒關係啦，你下去找他就好了。」英英的同事答。

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do 
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a 
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 

"No." said the director,

"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" 

When girls don't put out!! 
 
This was written by a guy ..... it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, m y girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHA T??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while sh e tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me b! ecause she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in t! ouch w ith my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

  公園有對情侶正在甜蜜．．．．．

  女孩撒嬌說：「我牙痛！」

  男孩於是吻了女孩一口問：「還疼嗎？」

  女孩說：「不痛了！」

  一會女孩又撒嬌的說：「我脖子痛！」

  男孩又吻了吻女孩的脖子，又問：「這回還疼嗎？」

  女孩很開心的說：「不痛了！」

  旁邊一老太太站著看了半天了忍不住了，

 上前就問說：「年輕人你太神了，你能治痔瘡嗎？」

當我擁有愈多時，我願意給的竟然愈少!

在雲林急診的最後一個夜班，想不到病人竟像知道我要離開似的如潮水般從各處湧入。

晚上 9點多，門診醫生轉介來一位病人溫先生。

他發燒、嘔吐，右下腹有明顯的壓痛及反彈痛，看來就像是盲腸炎。

我幫他作了簡單的身體檢查，告訴他和他的妻子我的猜測以及可能需要開刀。

『醫生，能不能更確定一點 ?』溫太太猶豫地追問。

『好吧，』由於來診病人很多，我說，『等一下抽血結果出來我再進一步和你們討論』。

一小時後，抽血的結果顯示白血球上昇、發炎指數也升高。

『有八成的機會是盲腸炎了，』我說：『我會請外科醫生來和你們討論開刀的事』。

只見溫太太又遲疑了：『八成 ?能不能肯定是或不是? 』 我有點生氣的回答道：

『當然還有可能是憩室炎、腹腔內膿瘍等等的可能。

我也可以很武斷地只告訴妳就是盲腸炎，反正開刀下來醫生也會告訴你『是有一點發炎』

而妳也不會知道真相。

只是醫學上本就沒有百分之百確定的事，我希望你能夠瞭解，也尊重你知道各種可能的權利。

而且臨床上已經這麼像了，等待進一步檢查可能會有盲腸破裂引發敗血症的危險。』

溫先生始終不發一語，溫太太似乎不喜歡台北來的醫生這種多重可能的解釋方式。

在雲林我還是第一次遇到這麼龜毛的病人；我替他打上抗生素，並且安排電腦斷層(CT) ，

然後轉身回到淹滿病患的等候區繼續處理其他病人。

心裡直嘀咕健保局審查員若是抽到這本病歷一定會刪我CT 檢查費六十萬元，

然後附上一句『要放大100倍以嚴懲浪費』。

一小時後，斷層片洗出來，果然在盲腸附近有發炎腫脹的跡象。

『現在盲腸炎的可能性有九成以上了，』我指著片子對溫太太說：

『少數的病人可以只用抗生素注射治癒，但大多數的情況下開刀還是最好的選擇

(我還是維持我的說明方式 )。』

想不到她竟然回我一句：『醫生，能不能帶藥回家吃就好 ?』。

這回換我生氣了 ! 來診護士一直在叫有新病人新病人快來處理，

這對夫妻竟然還這麼多意見纏著我。

我說：『如果早要這樣就不需要這麼多檢查了 !你不信任我們，

我可以把你轉到其他醫院開刀，但要回去我不會同意。』

他倆靜默不語。

我於是說：『要不然你們就簽自動出院吧，有事我們不負責 !』。

想不到一直不說話的溫先生竟然開口道：『簽就簽吧 !反正我爛命一條。』

我心頭一驚，只見溫太太低下頭說：『江醫師，我們不是不想治療或住院，

只是我們一點錢也沒有。

他每天作捆工領現，三個小孩才有飯吃。

現在要是他開刀住院 …』。

我突然對剛才言語的魯莽感到抱歉，想了一想說：『我覺得你還是開刀才能最快復原。

我找外科醫師下來看看，錢的事明天一早我會照會社工室來協助你們。』

外科醫師也真好心，他算一算開腹腔鏡復原的最快，只要住院兩天，不過要自費兩萬多元；

開傳統術式住院日數稍長，要花三千多塊；用抗生素治療則可能要住院一週以上。

『真是一毛錢逼死英雄好漢 !』他搖搖頭道。

溫太太想等隔天早上社工確定補助金額後再決定治療方式，

於是溫先生就先在急診打了一晚上的點滴與抗生素，

溫太太則是回家哄小孩睡覺後，半夜又來陪先生到天亮。

我在晨間會議時向鄰座的蘇醫師提到了這個病人。

『想不到雲林真的有這麼窮的病人，在台北從來不會遇到… 』我說。

可是他竟然皺起眉回我一句：『你怎麼可以讓他在急診待這麼久 ?

盲腸炎會有破裂併發敗血症的危險! 』 『我當然知道啊，可是 …』

 我想反駁，可是他接下來的話卻讓我啞口無言：

『我們可以讓病人因病而死，卻不能讓病人因貧而死! 』

『你應該先讓他去開刀，錢的事再想辦法，大不了就幫他出嘛!』

我腦中一陣昡暈，不是因為一晚沒睡的關係，而是他突然把我的心敲開了一道刺眼的光，

像住院醫師放映在投影幕上的燈一樣亮。

我想到十年前的一個晚上，俊貿提議我們去認養貧童，我立刻就答應。

那時我的薪水還不到現在的一半，卻對這樣的事毫不猶豫；更早的時候靠公費過活，

還能捐出一個月的家教費並且和俊貿在補習街挨家挨戶募款。

而現在，『付出』這樣的想法竟已不自覺地被排除在我行為反應的選項之外 !

幾千塊對現在的我來說，不過是節慶一場吃飯錢；對溫先生來說，卻是一家人命之所繫。

『我怎麼沒有想到 ?』我懊惱驚覺：『當我擁有愈多時，我願意給的竟然愈少! 』。

我一面想一面走出會議室，遇見社工說他們是登記有案的低收入戶，可以補助大多數的費用。

我走到病床邊，看到護士小姐已經幫溫先生換好手術衣。

我向溫先生解釋手術後大約要休養時間，然後拉上圍簾，把五千元放在他的手裡，

他原本不說一語的漠然突然轉為羞赧，溫太太則在一旁說不要不要。

我硬是把他手握成拳，說道：『沒關係啦，急診加住院要幾千塊，

你開完刀還要一個星期不能工作。

三個小孩總要呷飯啊! 』 溫太太幾乎快哭了，溫先生終於說道：

『醫師，我們雖不認識，可是，謝謝謝你對我們這麼好。

我之後工作有錢，再慢慢還你。』

我揮揮手道：『沒關係，互相幫助而已。

我要下班了，你還是要好好休養，不要急著出院，之後的復原才不會受影響。』

我經過忙碌的看診台，向喚醒我赤子之心的蘇醫師道謝；他一頭霧水。

走出雲林急診的大門，門外清晨的陽光似乎更耀眼了。

1. Nite - Sleep with air-con; Day - Bathe with heater on

2. Day - Cannot Wake up; Nite - Cannot Sleep

3. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy; not convenient to smoke

4. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restrictions on buying)

5. Smell Of rubbish besides letterboxes; Rubbish inside Letterbox

6. Private Cars - Cheaper & Cheaper to Buy, harder & harder to Maintain

7. Education - Teachers teaching Less but expects students to learn More

8. High-tech barbaric singaporeans - know how to use state-of-the art equipment, but dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet

9. There are quite a number of rich/poor in spore - They have Car, Credit Card, CPF .. but no Cash and lots of loans

10. Translation is needed between Singaporean Chinese and Mainland China Chinese

11. Sporean never like to vote, but like to complain

12. Half Sporeans rushed to buy Hello kitty, but the other half busy killing stray cats

13. Public Bus - Half the Crowd squeeze in front section of the Bus, Second section is for Carrying Ghost